Monday, 25 August 2014

San Croce - A Piece of my Heart.

Here lies the only love story I'll ever tell.

Contrary to popular belief, there is a small portion of my heart which isn't completely
 awash with pizza and when the next coffee fix is.

San Croce left quite the impact on my somewhat unadorned little head.
It is a place where you feel the overwhelming sensation that you belong, and have always belonged.
You could be plucked from any old cloud in the sky and still feel as though you've walked down every uneven path and every frayed, washed-out road it has to offer.

San Croce is a neighbourhood in Venice; situated in that neighbourhood is a little square, which holds an unfathomable amount of beauty and grace. I couldn't even point it out on a map, and that's not just because I am blissfully uneducated in geography, but more so because it is a hidden gem and is one of the most unsung, secluded little treasures in Venice. I think it is purposely kept under-wraps so it can be enjoyed by the locals, who find themselves constantly under attack and in the midst of the chaos and intrusive commercialism in Venice.

I imagine it's seen as an undisturbed little slice of utopia. Mmm Utopia. I'll have mine with extra everything please. This delicious slice of utopia just so happens to remind me of the beautiful kingdom in Tangled - hence the heavy Tangled (I'm just looking for an excuse to go on tumblr) references.

Most people who stumble across this little beauty are likely to have found it by a happy but welcomed accident. Some might even walk right through it thinking it is a vacant little campo, which it is, if you go at the wrong time of day. When the late afternoon rolls around, the square soon surges to life with all the energy and pajazz* promised. The locals sit around drinking coffee and socialising, as they fill the square with amicable chatter. Dogs roam around freely and sweet children spend their time playing ball and painting the floor in brightly coloured chalks.

It's as close too perfection as you can get... (and that is said taking this into consideration.) 

That is unless you are like me.
If you are like me, then you will cautiously be on the edge of your seat awaiting death by football to the face.
It isn't a pleasant way to go.

* I just made up a word and I am very proud of it.

'Campo San Giacomo dall'Orio'

Beauty like this cannot be forged or fabricated, as it is the only thing that is truly 
untouched in the burned out world we happily occupy day to day. 
Convenience is not key. Go out of your way and do so often.

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Monday, 21 July 2014

Why 'wolf-whistling' and 'catcalling' is not okay.

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I don't think you're a disgusting human being for telling that chick, who is half your age, that she has a nice rack. I do think you may be incapable of tying your own shoelace and could perhaps be severely lacking in functioning brain cells, and any common courtesy for the opposite sex.

Let's get down to business; feel free to grab a pen and paper.

1. Whistling is for dogs.

2. If you want to make a girl feel incredibly ASHAMED and INSECURE about herself then keep going!
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3. When you wolf-whistle or catcall at me, you should know that I have meticulously planned out the murder and disposable of your body.

4. If the roles were reversed, it would JUST BE WEIRD and slightly awkward if I did it to you.

5. I'm probably going to cry later.

7. It is fairly dehumanizing! You are now a slab of meat. 
Humanity? What Humanity? Who needs humanity when you got an ass that shakes like jelly.

8. I'm a big girl and everything (yet to make it through a Saw film), but it is intimidating and slightly threatening.

9. We get it! YOU'RE STRAIGHT. *slow claps*

10. Hypersexualisation - it aint nice, and maybe you should watch less porn and read the bible or something.

11. Would you like it if a strange man started harassing your mother and shouting things at her down the street.
Yeah, I'll bet her ass doesn't look all that shakin' now.

To the men who still do this to women,
 I would suggest therapy and a strong steriliser.

Disclaimer -
I love men and I fight for all human beings to be equal.
Cos dats feminism bitch - WE BE TALKING ABOUT EQUALITY. 
If you slap me, I slap you. Fairs.
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Sunday, 8 June 2014

Queen of the HIPSTERS!

.Pokemon Yellow - making train journeys durable since 98.

.Today was spent causing a ruckus around Middlesbrough.

.I bought a portable toothbrush today which confused me at first as I was under the impression that all toothbrushes were portable... this was until I realised you can flip this toothbrush out like a POCKET KNIFE. 
I've since decided that I'm going to take to the streets and fight crime.
They'll call me CAVITY GIRL (it's better than Oral Girl)

.I confidentially handed the lady in Starbucks a Tesco receipt in place of actual money - surprisingly not the first time I've done this. 

.I had an encounter with a suicidal spider who jumped out of a pair of trousers I was ironing.
My screams for help did not rouse the neighbours one bit.
I'm starting to question how they feel towards me.

.It has hit that point in the night where my brain cells have turned to mush and my bed is giving me a come hither look.
Okay bed, you win this time.

happy animated GIF
Remember to STAY ABSURD. 
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Tuesday, 3 June 2014

10 Reasons to Drink Green Tea

1.) Helps you lose weight in all the right places!
The good stuff in Green Tea activates fat-burning genes in the abdomen to speed weight loss by 77%. 
Don't expect an instant miracle but with a good diet and a healthy lifestyle you'll be unstoppable.

2.) Anti-aging
Have you seen Green Tea advocate Johnny Depp? The man is 50 and looks about 30.
Green Tea is full of anti-oxidants which will not only takes years off your face but will pop them years onto your life-span so maybe you can hang around to see all your beloved celebrities turn into this...

3.) Lowers the risk of cancer.
The polyphenols in Green Tea will actually decrease tumor growth, kill cancerous cells and stop them growing. I read somewhere that it can make these cells actually commit suicide. Pretty dark I know but F*CK CANCER - apologies for the profanity but it needed to be said.

4.) It gives you an energy BOOST.
Green Tea does have caffeine in it, but only half the amount that coffee does so it just gives you a healthy kick up zee buttocks. I drink about 7 cups a day so I tend to have a constant 'I'm just happy to be here' buzz about me.

5.) Altimeters and Parkinsons 
Once again, the Polyphenols will help fight the free radicals that play a role in Altimeters. 
A recent two year study took place with people aged 80+ and 96% of those who drank green tea showed no signs of cognitive impairment compared to only 12% of those who didn't drink it. 

The anti-oxidants and anti-inflammatory activities in Green Tea will help fight acne, break-outs and spots as well as giving you a healthy I didn't spend last night crying into my pizza sort of glow.

7.) Boosts your metabolism
If you drink 3-5 cups of Green Tea a day you could burn an extra 70 calories that day, so go ahead and eat that fry.

8.) Cholesterol
Green Tea is enriched with catechins which can lead to reductions in bad cholesterol which is a main cause of heart disease and stroke.

9.) Immune system
As well as its anti-cancerous properties, the anti-oxidants will strengthen your immune system so you'll basically be Superman minus the cape... unless you have a cape, in that case go crazy.

10.) Stress and Anxiety relief.
L-theanine is an amino acid found in Green Tea which can have a soothing and a calming effect, it increases the production of brain waves known as alpha waves which are seen when a person is in a relaxed state. 
Plus who doesn't feel relaxed when avin' a nice cuppa.

Green Tea gives you super powers.
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Sunday, 11 May 2014

You could save me from the way I tend to be.

The weekend has flashed by and I'm almost certain I spent the majority of it on a train or at the train station 

Last night we had a little Eurovision gathering - GRAHAM NORTON WAS ON FORM. 
He was the commentator and was just the perfect mix of :
.I don't want to be here.
.I'm being sarcastic.
.I'm making a joke at your expense.
.Yes, I am taking the piss out of you.
Which is basically the UK in a nutshell.
The morning was followed by Green Tea, Cinnamon Swirls and Pewdiepie.
Which was closely followed by an interesting conversation with a gentlemen on the train about Doctor Who. 

.My sweet love for Cacti (Cacti? Cactuses? Cackles? Snap, Crackle and Pop?)
.A very beautiful place, which name has completely slipped my mind, I think they make famous wine there.

I am now sippin' on some hot chocolate whilst watching Spider Man 2.
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